Blog

Every one of us will experience loneliness in our lifetime. It may hit us when we’re single and spending Saturday night on our couch watching reruns or when we’re smack at the center of a packed and pulsating party. There is one clear reason for this, and that is that loneliness is not just being alone, it is a perception of seeing ourselves as alone.

Obviously our circumstances will play a part in how we feel. Break ups, losses, separations and moves can make us feel pretty lonely. However, a great amount of what leads to chronic loneliness is the way we think and feel about ourselves and the world around us. Research now shows that people who struggle with loneliness may perceive the world differently. In one study  published by the American Psychological Association, researcher John Cacioppo found differences in the “lonely brain” both structurally and biochemically. Someone who struggles with loneliness may have more difficulty recognizing positive events, as the lonely brain shows suppressed neural responses to positive images and events. They also seem to have more trouble picturing the thoughts of others or “mentalizing.”

Another University of Chicago study showed that “Lonely individuals are more likely to construe their world as threatening, hold more negative expectations and interpret and respond to ambiguous social behavior in a more negative, off-putting fashion, thereby confirming their construal of the world as threatening and beyond their control.” If this is the case, then those who are lonely may be more likely to miss social queues. They may fail to recognize a welcoming look, a subtle invitation or an act of acceptance, thus perpetuating the cycle of loneliness.

It’s helpful to recognize that loneliness is very much a state of mind, and unfortunately, that mind is, in effect, lying to us. It is even putting our mental and physical health at risk. As the same study by John Cacioppo points out, social isolation is “a major risk factor for morbidity and mortality.” Yet, if the worst news is that loneliness can kill us, the best news is that we can save our lives.

Because loneliness has a lot to do with how we think about our circumstances and less to do with our actual circumstances, we have a lot of power in changing it. As another study revealed, “The way in which people construe their self in relation to others around them has powerful effects on their self-concept and, possibly, on their physiology.” So, if we change the filter through which we see ourselves, we can change our feelings of loneliness.

Gratitude is perhaps the most important key to finding success and happiness in the modern day. Knowing what we appreciate in life means knowing who we are, what matters to us and what makes each day worthwhile. Paying attention to what we feel grateful for puts us in a positive frame of mind. It connects us to the world around us and to ourselves. Research demonstrates that focusing on what we are grateful for is a universally rewarding way to feel happier and more fulfilled.

As an important mental health principle, the benefits of gratitude extend far beyond what we may imagine.

“You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight.”—Elizabeth Gilbert

It’s difficult to acknowledge what we have. One of the explanations people give for why they’ve stopped showing appreciation (or even feeling it) is that they’ve simply stopped paying attention, as their lives have become more sped up or routine. Part of the reason we start to take things (including relationships) for granted in this way is because it’s actually hard to recognize and have feelings for what we have. Slowing down and living in a state in which we feel more present and aware of what makes us happy and gives our lives meaning naturally allows us to feel more joy, but it’s also a gateway to sadness.

As much as we all would say we want love, acknowledgment, happiness, kindness and generosity, it can be very hard to accept each of these for a variety of unexpected reasons. To love means we are vulnerable and wanting, which puts us in a position where we have something to lose. To be in touch with what matters to us brings us closer to our feelings, with happiness and sadness becoming more prominent. Generosity, both offering it and having it offered to us, often arouses sadness. This emotion can make us uncomfortable or anxious, but it can also have a simultaneously calming and invigorating effect, making us feel more vital and exuberant. Feeling sadness centers us in ourselves.